Pattaya Rules of the Road. 1st English Edition

Rules of the Road
Pattaya, Thailand.
1st English Language Edition.

1. If you come across one of those strange black and white painted stripe things across the road, and an Englishman (easily recognized with the pale complexion, thick blue socks and sandals attached to a stiff upper lip) is trying to cross, be sure to give him special consideration. He truly thinks one toe on the crossing gives him eminent domain, so slow down a little to give him confidence, and then scare the living daylights out of him by speeding up just as he confidently starts strolling across.
2. When approaching a main road on your motorbike, into the flow of traffic from your right, you must avoid at all costs looking to your right for oncoming traffic. It is their responsibility to avoid crashing into your motorbike so proceed with impunity.
3. The counting down number signs now installed on some traffic lights are just guidelines. 10 or 20 seconds either way is OK if you need to cross against the red light in a hurry. If all else fails and you are faced with a 60 second wait, make a sharp left (following the rules in item 2), then a neat U turn across both traffic lanes, then back to the lights and another left turn. Time saved – at least 20 seconds.
4. If you own a motorbike any bigger than one of the 125cc jobbies, it is mandatory to wear a Nazi helmet complete with swastika. It’s also required that the back seat slopes up at a 45 degree angle so that your girl friend is posed in an impossible yet quite inviting position. When parking this vehicle, make sure it leans into any scooter type jobbie so that it is impossible to escape 3^rd degree burns from your monster exhaust tubes.
5. Double parking, especially if you own of those huge 4 door trucks, is to be encouraged, (to ease the parking problem) particularly close to a traffic light. Please be considerate though and switch on your blinking indicators in case someone cannot see the monster.
6. If you own a similar truck and observe a kindred spirit double parked near the traffic lights, guide your own truck as close to the other as you can so none of those scooter jobbies can squeeze through.
7. The logic behind double (and sometimes triple) yellow lines in the middle of the road has so far defied translation from the Thai. It’s OK to cross over them to overtake, or to make a right or left turn across them so perhaps they just ran out of white paint. One school of thought suggests it’s some kind of speed up signal, particularly if there is an approaching bend in the road.
8. Motor cycle helmets are mandatory, unless there are children on board or more than 3 adults, or at least one adult riding side saddle.
9. When parking the aforementioned large truck in your small Soi, make sure you park it exactly opposite your neighbor’s truck across the Soi. This gives other neighbors more experience in backing up at high speed through restricted spaces.
   

And finally, when parking at Carrefour, make sure you snuggle up to the truck next to you, particularly if the car on the other side is parked close to the truck too. This way the truck has to back out in a dead straight line, with no chance to turn the wheel right or left before backing in to the next row of cars. Great for the truck owner to practice his 32 point turns.